Presence and Present

The world is going to heck, and I’m pretty numb to most of it.

I’m not alright with that, you should know. I wish I could feel things as strongly as others. Perhaps it’s part of growing older, perhaps it’s my heavy depression and then the anti-depressants after that. Who the heck knows? I’m mainly just disappointed in myself for not being present in this awful, awful world. For not doing all I can to make it better.

The trouble is, I’ve gotten very good at pretending that things are good, and too good at lying to those I love to know the difference now. Am I actually good or am I lying to myself again? That’s where I get confused.

Things *are* good right now. The store is doing really well, Brandon and I are stronger than ever, but my brain meats are being dysfunctional. I wish I could sit back and be happy with right now, but that’s never been who I am.