Remembering Self-Care

I’ve been holding a lot of anger lately, and it came to a head last week. I should probably be surprised it didn’t happen sooner, what with owning a business and having a life together.

I was attempting to take control of my future, but Brandon didn’t see it that way at the time. We’ve since had multiple discussions, arguments, and screaming matches about what I want, what he wants, and what’s best for the store. Sometimes, those don’t overlap, and it’s easy to get bogged down in the muck and forget about the big picture.

Things are looking a lot brighter. I will be taking on the occasional side job for variety, extra income, and possibly my sanity. Some things, like owning a business or living in Edmonton, you must leave for a short time to really appreciate.

I’m proud of the work I do at the store, though it often doesn’t feel like enough. But I’m constantly figuring out where my balance lies, so I can give my full efforts to the store and my customers. This year, I’d like to establish a healthy work/life balance, and – this is a difficult part – be happy with what I can give the store and what I must keep for myself. I won’t let myself be shamed (whether by my inner voice or others) into working myself to the bone. Because, in the end, if I’m not healthy, the store will be affected.

5 Things I Learned In 2015

I am brave. I learned how to create a business from nothing, stepped up to most challenges, created new working and personal relationships, and worked hard on making a space where everyone can feel comfortable and safe.

I am a coward. I did not speak up often, and have a lot of regrets that I didn’t use the power I now have when hearing others say hateful things. I let a lot of important decisions slide because I thought I could trust others to do their part. I chose anger over empathy, and pretended I didn’t have a choice.

I both forgot and discovered different parts of who I am. I like sparkly nail polish, the colour pink and being feminine, lipstick, and long, flowing dresses. My depression and anxiety returned with a vengeance, so perhaps I am disguising my inside with my out. I hate myself while attempting to show that I love myself.

I need to trust others more. I need to remember that I am not alone in this. That I will not be weakened by talking. This is my hardest lesson, and one that is most definitely not complete.

I learned that no matter what happens today, tomorrow really does have a chance to be better. If I must be stubborn, I will try to make it that about that in 2016.

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