These words come after some hard fought weeks and months. They’re not pretty or polished, but at least they convey something and I think at the very least, I need to get the shape of something out there.
I’ve always… I’ve always felt happy, more or less. That sounds like a weird thing to say. It is a weird thing to say, or definitely a privileged thing to say. When I look back at my life, through all the various bits of heartache and pain that have come my way, I feel as though I was always afforded the luxury of knowing things were going to be okay. Some of that comes from my general disposition and body chemistry. A lot of it came from the unending support from my friends and family. I’ve been very lucky. I am very lucky.
Lately, I’ve been battling with something I don’t think I can face. A slow creeping thing that’s tugging at the edges of my heart. A feeling that glues me to the couch, and wills me to live there forever as the day seems to stretch endlessly before me. A potent cocktail of stress and fear are conspiring to render me immobile, and it’s… strange. As shitty and privileged as I’m sure this sounds, I’m… I’m not used to this. I’m not used to feeling an overriding sense of fear or dread. My default is always a big, stupid smile, so much so that I know I’ve pissed off more than a few people with how up I seem to be about things, no matter how hard they might be getting. I think something has caught up to me. I’m not quite sure what to do about it.
To hopefully put a few minds at ease, please know this: I know I will be okay. I have a wonderful wife who has been helping me deal with my things and who thankfully isn’t afraid to call me on my bullshit. We make each other better in so many different ways, and the fact that she’s in my life is what I think is saving me from the worst of it. Even as we stumble inside our own heads, we have a hand to hold on to, and that’s… that’s everything.
I know most of this just lives inside my own head, stress caused from both real and perceived sources. I know that I’m doing better than most. I’ve got a wife, two cats, a stable job and business and some great friends and family. People seem to like what we’re doing at Variant Edition, and that has made the store financially viable.
What I’ve decided I need to do, is to start focusing a bit more inwards. So much of my thoughts tend to be external, about trying to control things that I have no ability to control. What I need to do is focus on what is within my own reach, and what I can actually affect. From there, I’m going to extend my fingertips, and see what else I can achieve beyond that. I’m also going to start taking some time to relax a bit more, which is… easier said than done. I’ve been so inside my head that the time that I have to relax has been eaten up with a constant churn of worry, and I need to learn that not thinking about things for a few seconds is actually helpful – that I’m not a bad person because my every waking moment wasn’t used to figure out a problem I’m not even meant to solve.
My hope is that with this new mindset, I’ll be able to pop in here more often and actually accomplish something outside of the store. That’s what I want from this. That’s my goal. But if I can’t do that, I hope that I at least get to a stage where I can be happy with doing nothing at all for a little while, and being okay with that.