A Bargain

I have a compulsion to hurt myself. Not physically mind you, just… emotionally.

Do you have a voice inside your head that keeps telling you that you don’t deserve good things? That the bad that comes your way was earned through a general lack of skill and talent? In my travels, I’ve discovered that this voice lives inside many of us. It also tries to tell us how everyone around us has things so put together. Meanwhile, that person we see smiling about their life is nervously listening to their own voice.

You’re not good.

You were never good enough.

And so on.

It seems like these days, I’m desperately seeking balance. Like… I know that I’m not as bad as the voice in my head keeps telling me, but I also know that I’ve made mistakes… and that I will continue to make mistakes. I bargain with myself, trying to strike a balance between what I’m comfortable with believing, and what I want to believe. It’s… it’s a tough process. But it’s one that I’m also privileged enough to be able to sort out, on the good days. And I’m also lucky that there are quite a few good days.

I think…

I think that most of us spend a lot of time trying to find balance. Between the voices and our beliefs and the various forms of self worth we evaluate through out the day.

I think that maintaining that balance is hard, and that everyone is just trying to make their way through the day bargaining with themselves.

I think that was all do it and that we shouldn’t feel bad. Or at least not as bad as we think we should feel.

I think we should listen more to others, as they are usually better arbiters of worth than we are for ourselves. And I think we should be slower to dismiss what others seem to see in ourselves.

I think… I should listen to my own advice.

But then again, the voice in my head just told me this was all garbage so. Who am I gonna believe?

That’s the choice, isn’t it.

Hmm.