Thinking through a couple of things to start off the week.
I recently sent my complete Twitter archive off to TimeHop and I’ve discovered something: even though I put on a fairly easy going persona, I’ve always had a bit of anger bubbling below the surface. It’s been interesting stepping backwards year by year and seeing that anger burst apart and become disparate, buckshot messages swinging at nothing in particular. Fun fact: the more focused your anger becomes, the more it hurts, which is why I think I’ve been noticing it more in the past few years. Anyway, something I’ve been keeping an eye on.
FORMS OF HARM
Further along that line, I’ve been confronting the ways that my anger is harmful. I’m not a violent dude, and I doubt I ever will be, but I do commit harm. Folks who use their words to swing often don’t always realize that the simple act of not making harm manifest in a physical way doesn’t absolve the idea that harm is being committed.
In the past few years and specifically in the past couple of months, I’ve definitely said things with the aim to harm, with vicious intent. Some of the more recent things, I have yet to regret. But I probably will one day. Regardless, I’m trying to be mindful about when I’m swinging and why, and what the intent is behind it. Can I live with those consequences, no matter how long term? What is gained?
I’ll admit to causing harm to others as a way of attempting to gain control. I’m not proud of this. But I haven’t stopped. So what does that say about me?
Another day, hopefully better. I’m actually saying that about my good and bad days lately, greedily hoping for more. We’ve been through a lot and I feel like asking for a period of sustained sun is justified at this point, but that shit doesn’t work in a vacuum, so I’m doing what I can. These days, that takes the form of actually acknowledging the bad, instead of pretending like everything is good. It took far too long to realize this, despite the words placed in my ears by folks far smarter than myself (like Danica), but… I’m starting to get the hang of it. Just because you admit a thing is bad, doesn’t mean things can’t turn around… and the first step in that process, is identifying that thing as bad.
Lots to write about, hopefully about something other than the mess inside my brain. I really want to get talking about the Young Animal line of comics properly, and it’s been far too long since I wrote an article for Comics Beat. Also, there’s some prose fiction I want to get to.
Maybe if I say these things out loud, they’ll actually start happening.