Submet Industries

Let’s be honest. This year has been so much more than a garbage fire. At times, it’s felt like all the post-apocalyptic YA’s novels we’ve been reading have come true, except with no choice between two equally drab men. During 2016, my depression hit a new low, I discovered new and awful triggers to my anxiety, and my relationship with Brandon had a wedge driven into it. So I thought, why don’t I try and focus on the positives? Good stuff HAD to have happened this year. How the hell did I get through it if it didn’t?

1. I left an emotionally abusive relationship where I was treated as less than a person, repeatedly reminded my hard work was worth nothing, lied to and gaslit afterward, and finally screamed at when I attempted to change the situation to something positive and quasi-functional.
2. I started a part-time temp job with an agency in July, and the company took me on as a permanent part-time employee in November. It’s a small company, and the people are nice. They understand that the majority of my time is focused on Variant Edition, and I work hard and am present the two days of the week I am in the office.
3. I paid off my student loans back in July. I had been paying them off for nearly 8 years, and they had become an expense I felt was going to be a part of my life forever. Even though I was making very little money the last couple years, it felt really good to take control of one thing in my life and I guess detach myself from at least one financial stress.
4. I’ve begun to take the occasional day off from the store. It’s a steep learning curve, but I’m trying to ease back into taking some time for myself.
5. I see friends more often. Money still holds me back from a lot of hangouts, but a lot of people understand I’m working with a really tight budget right now.
6. I saw the goddess Beyoncé in concert! Even though the weather was horrid, it was still quite the experience. I’ll remember it fondly forever.

When the world feels like it’s falling apart, there’s not always an incentive to pull up my bootstraps and keep going. I hope 2017 is better for me. I say that every year, but I think we all do that. I may not have positivity, but I will try to have hope. Oddly, those two things are quite different for me.

In 2017, I will find some hope.

The garbage year that was 2016 is about to wrap up, and so naturally, we’re all starting to take stock of what’s been and what might be.

I have the tendency to reset my anxiety at milestones. Lately, this has happened on a monthly cycle, where I feel great about where I am and what the store did on the last day of a month, and then find myself super anxious a day later when I stare at a calendar that is empty and begging for goals and thresholds to be met. While rationally I know that I have the means to work through the month and get at least close to where we need to be, there’s a small voice in the back of my head that keeps whispering “this is it. This is the month it all falls apart.”

The worst part is the implication that I will be forced into a form of pacifism as everything slowly falls apart. I can understand where my brain gets it from: ever since Danica and I started Variant Edition, we have been met with outside forces beyond our control that have seemingly conspired to keep the whole enterprise down. A phone company that can’t figure out how to provide simple internet and phone access. A bank contact who will disappear for long stretches at a time who is terminally slow at processing your information. A business partner who… well… maybe let’s not get bogged down on that last point. That could end up being a whole big post unto itself. Suffice to say, when my brain looks at a fresh month, it attempts to convince my body that it should prepare itself to feel like garbage. Coming up to the end of the year, I’m a little afraid of how that anxiety will translate into the start of 2017.

For those of you who have been visiting the blog this past year, you know that our 2016 didn’t get off to a great start, which was a trend that continued through the year. At about the midpoint, we took some drastic measures to change this circumstance, and while things still aren’t great, we’re finally in a bit of emotional and financial control over our situation. Other than some of the last outstanding bits with our former business partner (a running theme of 2016: waiting for folks to actually accomplish their end of business transactions as promised), we are in control of what we have and what is spent, both physically and emotionally. It’s all on us. While at first glance, that might seem a bit daunting, after this year, it feels great to have that kind of control over our lives – even if it does mean it’s all resting on our shoulders.

So. To combat what will surely be an anxious January 1^st, I’m starting to get my house in order early. It started with Danica suggesting we build a game plan for ourselves both in terms of business goals and personal goals moving forward. It’s extended to the point where we’re starting them now and ramping up to 2017 instead of resting on our laurels, waiting for the clock to tick down before attempting to shift.

I want to say that 2017 will be our year. 2015 was supposed to be our year, and it almost was until the end of the year where it became readily apparent that our now-former business partner had very different goals than we did. That infected the entirety of our 2016, and we are finally clawing our way out of that.

So… 2017. One way or another, this year will determine the direction our entire lives go from here. It will very much be a “sink or swim” thing, one that we are now at least ready for. It… it probably won’t feel great, as we continue to find our footing while running at a full sprint, but… at the very least, it will be lived with purpose. It will be a reflection of who we want to be, and what we are fighting for. 2017 might not be our year in a “we made it” sense, but it will definitely be our year in terms of a statement of purpose.

Thank you for coming along with us on the journey so far, and thank you all for the support that you’ve shown Danica and myself over the past few months and years. Without you, I’m not sure where we’d be, and… hopefully you’ll stick with us through this new year, and see where we all end up. We love you all, and we’ll talk with you soon.