Ephemera

CategoryEphemera

My Shopping Ban: Surprise Expenses

February 11, 2016 / Danica LeBlanc

When I wrote my shopping ban post last week, Beyoncè hadn’t released her new song yet. She hadn’t announced her world tour. Edmonton wasn’t one of only two Canadian tour dates, and I hadn’t worked myself up into a tizzy about going to what will be an amazing experience in May.

welp

BUT NO REGRETS

So I skip the haircut and dye I was hoping to book until after the ban is up. Cool. I’m trying to grow my hair longer anyway. And I now realize it looks cute in a bun, so I can put it back any time I think I look like a shaggy dog.
My standard withdrawal of $200 went out of my bank account last week, so this doesn’t affect February, it may affect the tail end of paying off the loan. I’ve been earning a bit of side money this week(around $250), but will wait to figure out by the end of the month whether to throw it at the loan or use it for my main expenses.

Finding My Way Back

February 9, 2016 / Brandon Schatz

These words come after some hard fought weeks and months. They’re not pretty or polished, but at least they convey something and I think at the very least, I need to get the shape of something out there.

I’ve always… I’ve always felt happy, more or less. That sounds like a weird thing to say. It is a weird thing to say, or definitely a privileged thing to say. When I look back at my life, through all the various bits of heartache and pain that have come my way, I feel as though I was always afforded the luxury of knowing things were going to be okay. Some of that comes from my general disposition and body chemistry. A lot of it came from the unending support from my friends and family. I’ve been very lucky. I am very lucky.

But.

Lately, I’ve been battling with something I don’t think I can face. A slow creeping thing that’s tugging at the edges of my heart. A feeling that glues me to the couch, and wills me to live there forever as the day seems to stretch endlessly before me. A potent cocktail of stress and fear are conspiring to render me immobile, and it’s… strange. As shitty and privileged as I’m sure this sounds, I’m… I’m not used to this. I’m not used to feeling an overriding sense of fear or dread. My default is always a big, stupid smile, so much so that I know I’ve pissed off more than a few people with how up I seem to be about things, no matter how hard they might be getting. I think something has caught up to me. I’m not quite sure what to do about it.

To hopefully put a few minds at ease, please know this: I know I will be okay. I have a wonderful wife who has been helping me deal with my things and who thankfully isn’t afraid to call me on my bullshit. We make each other better in so many different ways, and the fact that she’s in my life is what I think is saving me from the worst of it. Even as we stumble inside our own heads, we have a hand to hold on to, and that’s… that’s everything.

I know most of this just lives inside my own head, stress caused from both real and perceived sources. I know that I’m doing better than most. I’ve got a wife, two cats, a stable job and business and some great friends and family. People seem to like what we’re doing at Variant Edition, and that has made the store financially viable.

And yet.

What I’ve decided I need to do, is to start focusing a bit more inwards. So much of my thoughts tend to be external, about trying to control things that I have no ability to control. What I need to do is focus on what is within my own reach, and what I can actually affect. From there, I’m going to extend my fingertips, and see what else I can achieve beyond that. I’m also going to start taking some time to relax a bit more, which is… easier said than done. I’ve been so inside my head that the time that I have to relax has been eaten up with a constant churn of worry, and I need to learn that not thinking about things for a few seconds is actually helpful – that I’m not a bad person because my every waking moment wasn’t used to figure out a problem I’m not even meant to solve.

My hope is that with this new mindset, I’ll be able to pop in here more often and actually accomplish something outside of the store. That’s what I want from this. That’s my goal. But if I can’t do that, I hope that I at least get to a stage where I can be happy with doing nothing at all for a little while, and being okay with that.

Here’s hoping.

Let’s Start A Shopping Ban!

February 8, 2016 / Danica LeBlanc

Aware that it is nearly mid-February, I’m putting myself on a shopping ban. (Basically, don’t wait until the 1st of a month to start something – or worse, NEXT January 1st) My end date is currently May 1, but I will readdress that date near the end of April.

My reason for this ban? I’m so close to paying off my student loans. Only around $1200. That’s both a lot of money, because I’m not making a lot of income right now, and barely anything at all, because that number was so much higher for the past 8 years or so I’ve been paying it off. I’m avoiding calculating how much I’ve paid in interest because it is likely a depressing number.

So this is me, being accountable to everyone who reads this.

I pledge:

– not to buy any new clothes – not even ModCloth when they have sales – not even Goodwill for a little “treat”

– not to buy any new nail polish(my go to purchase when I’ve had a bad day). I will use the colours I currently own.

– not to buy my comics from work – this will unfortunately mean creating a stack at the store for myself, but while the single issues will be fine to wait on, I will make a list of collections I want to possibly purchase later in the year. I’ve been more or less doing this already, but now I’m a bit stricter with myself.

– to declutter and purge any items I’m not using – I’m planning to host another clothing swap at Variant Edition in probably April, so will keep some things I plan to donate until then

– to have friends over for tea, conversation, and Netflix if we so desire, and generally attempt free experiences

– to not worry about what the apartment looks like when said friends do come over – not technically part of the ban, but it is something I need to work on

– to make myself a reading pile to pick through so I can return the books I’ve borrowed from my parents sooner, and donate books I feel only need one read to the free little libraries around the neighbourhood

On or around May 1, I will check into how much left I owe, and consider whether or not I will extend the shopping ban. Once my student loan is paid off, I’ll go full force into paying down my credit card, but right now, I want this to be my main focus. I want to be able to celebrate this milestone in 2016, and then move onto to my next hurdle.

I want to thank my friends for being kind and understanding when I turned down their invites to events because I couldn’t afford it. I appreciate you, and hope we can spend some money-free time together this spring.

WWBD?

February 1, 2016 / Danica LeBlanc

A quick aside – my January Cure project completely dropped off the map mid-month. I will not be completing it in February, but will attempt to keep the apartment tidy and decluttered, as usual. My list still exists as a reminder of my goals for the year. I hope everyone who was participating in the project completed it to their satisfaction.

~~~

January was the worst month I’ve experienced in a long time. There were extreme amounts of stress, my SADs kicked into high gear, Brandon and I fought. A lot. And yet, it wasn’t all bad. Somehow.

Brandon and I put each other through a bit of hell last month, but I feel as if we’re stronger because of it. To this day, it can still be a bit odd when yelling at each other creates a closeness instead of all our previous relationships where everything would have fallen apart. It’s in those toughest moments that I know we’re right for each other. Even if I can’t stand the sight of him that day, I know we’ll be together in the future.

Although I made some missteps on my personal journey, I have no regrets. I gave up on myself, and that wasn’t right. But through that, I found a new inner strength. I realized I had something to fight for, and surprisingly, that I wanted to. My talents and skills shine a bit brighter now.

Lately, I’ve read some blogs that suggest picking a one word goal instead of resolutions. Pick one word, and attempt to live your life in order to bring more of what you’ve picked into your life. I’m going to attempt this for February. My word?

Empowered.

Remembering Self-Care

January 27, 2016 / Danica LeBlanc

I’ve been holding a lot of anger lately, and it came to a head last week. I should probably be surprised it didn’t happen sooner, what with owning a business and having a life together.

I was attempting to take control of my future, but Brandon didn’t see it that way at the time. We’ve since had multiple discussions, arguments, and screaming matches about what I want, what he wants, and what’s best for the store. Sometimes, those don’t overlap, and it’s easy to get bogged down in the muck and forget about the big picture.

Things are looking a lot brighter. I will be taking on the occasional side job for variety, extra income, and possibly my sanity. Some things, like owning a business or living in Edmonton, you must leave for a short time to really appreciate.

I’m proud of the work I do at the store, though it often doesn’t feel like enough. But I’m constantly figuring out where my balance lies, so I can give my full efforts to the store and my customers. This year, I’d like to establish a healthy work/life balance, and – this is a difficult part – be happy with what I can give the store and what I must keep for myself. I won’t let myself be shamed (whether by my inner voice or others) into working myself to the bone. Because, in the end, if I’m not healthy, the store will be affected.

Don’t Trust Men

January 22, 2016 / Danica LeBlanc

Don’t trust men, ladies. Especially not when it comes to finances.

Men are the reason I’m sitting in a Ricki’s on a Friday afternoon, a little drunk, and completely lost at what my next move should be.

I put my trust in men, and I’m paying for it now. Literally and figuratively. I’ve no idea what to do next, and I’m pretty sure I’d be somewhere better than where I am now if I had made different choices over a year ago.

I put my faith in someone who, for some strange reason, took it upon himself to completely destroy me.

And now I’m left with nothing. No money, no power, no future.

Pretty sure this will hurt me too, but I can’t stay quiet anymore. I can’t keep pretending that everything is fine, and everything isn’t falling apart all around me.

What more do you have for me, world? How much more can you take from me?

– Danica

Who You Are, Not What You Think

January 12, 2016 / Danica LeBlanc

I am awful at being mindful. Just awful. Do you know how hard it is to be in the present moment ALL THE DAMN TIME?

In any case, it’s a good thing to strive for, but if you’re anything like me, you’ll stress yourself out more if you try to live it.

But back to me. I am trying to be better about being mindful. Last year, I was doing really well. Focusing my on my current emotion, not getting too far into panicked thoughts about the future or what I did wrong in the past.

But then I started a business. A business that women aren’t really welcome in, no matter what values the store starts out with. I was immersed in micro aggressions, off-handed comments about murdering a female character simply because they preferred the original male character, comments about me being an employee and expressing doubt when I stated I was an owner of the store.

I stopped being mindful because I started to fall into depression. The odd thing was, I didn’t realize it until months later. I had put an air of everything being fine. I had begun to believe the lie myself. I lied to myself every day because I thought since I own a business, I can’t be a person any more. I can’t have bad days. Everything must be “Great! How are you? How are the kids? How was your holiday?” I gave more of myself than I ever had before, and ended up losing myself in this persona I created.

Ironically, last year was the year I realized I deserved respect. Not from myself, of course, that’s the longer road I have to travel. But from others. Random customers who barely recognize my existence to people I should be able to trust. It’s taken me a long time to realize I am really good at my job, and while I still pass people along to Brandon, now it is because I know he has specific information about a comic series I may not have read, instead of fear.

As I try to be the best I can be in my work, I will circle back to being mindful. I’ll see if I can actually appreciate the small moments, like when a 7-year old tells me I’m the reason she comes to the store, when a woman tells me I’ve made a safe space for her to shop, when a friend tells me I’m doing great things for the comics community. It can be really difficult with all the crappy moments and casual sexism I see literally every day, but I will try and focus more on the positive. The moments that don’t make me feel like I should just wither, give up, cry, and disappear. I’m sure there are a ton of people that wouldn’t even notice I was gone, but it’s not for those people that I stay(seriously though, fuck those people), it’s for everyone I mentioned previously, but mostly, for me. When this job is good, it’s amazing. It brings me such joy to see people happy to read.

I’m going to keep fighting. Even if it’s only with myself.

Danica LeBlanc // Twitter

The Curtain Rises

January 11, 2016 / Brandon Schatz

Hi there, everyone – and welcome to Submet Industries.

As you’ve all probably noticed, we’ve been counting down to today which means… something. If I’m being honest, we’re not entirely sure ourselves.

When I started Submetropolitan a few years back, it was intended to be a repository for all of the various things I was doing around the internet. As always with my projects, I would work on it intermittently and refocus every 3-8 months as personal deadlines would slip by faster and faster. Finally, near the end of 2015, Danica and I had a long and frank conversation about how we see the next phase of our life going.

We’d already made some monumental changes in the past few years – moving in together, getting engaged, getting married, quitting our jobs and opening a comic shop being amoung the bigger decisions – and we suddenly found ourselves in a pool of relative calm. It caused us to really look at what we’d done, and finally think about what it all meant. What were we doing? Why were we doing it? And where will we go from here?

This new version of Submetropolitan – now titled Submet Industries – is an exploration of those ideas. It’s a purposeful take on personal pop culture and motivation, with roots dug deep into the culturally rich city of Edmonton. It’s for us. It’s for you. It’s for… something. Or possibly nothing. Again, we’re honestly not entirely sure what this will look like in the end… but we hope you’ll come on this journey with us.

Brandon Schatz // Twitter // Facebook
Danica LeBlanc // Twitter

1: I Woke Up Like This

January 11, 2016 / Brandon Schatz

2: Understood

January 9, 2016 / Brandon Schatz

Amphetamine tissues

Speak clearly, and with intent. Be loud, and be heard.

Theme by Anders Norén — Up ↑

A complicated pop culture construct made from podcasts, words and gnomes, based in Edmonton, AB.

CategoryEphemera