Category Archives: Ephemera

Anger, Time Travel, and Forms of Harm

Thinking through a couple of things to start off the week.

TIME TRAVEL

I recently sent my complete Twitter archive off to TimeHop and I’ve discovered something: even though I put on a fairly easy going persona, I’ve always had a bit of anger bubbling below the surface. It’s been interesting stepping backwards year by year and seeing that anger burst apart and become disparate, buckshot messages swinging at nothing in particular. Fun fact: the more focused your anger becomes, the more it hurts, which is why I think I’ve been noticing it more in the past few years. Anyway, something I’ve been keeping an eye on.

FORMS OF HARM

Further along that line, I’ve been confronting the ways that my anger is harmful. I’m not a violent dude, and I doubt I ever will be, but I do commit harm. Folks who use their words to swing often don’t always realize that the simple act of not making harm manifest in a physical way doesn’t absolve the idea that harm is being committed.

In the past few years and specifically in the past couple of months, I’ve definitely said things with the aim to harm, with vicious intent. Some of the more recent things, I have yet to regret. But I probably will one day. Regardless, I’m trying to be mindful about when I’m swinging and why, and what the intent is behind it. Can I live with those consequences, no matter how long term? What is gained?

I’ll admit to causing harm to others as a way of attempting to gain control. I’m not proud of this. But I haven’t stopped. So what does that say about me?

TOMORROW

Another day, hopefully better. I’m actually saying that about my good and bad days lately, greedily hoping for more. We’ve been through a lot and I feel like asking for a period of sustained sun is justified at this point, but that shit doesn’t work in a vacuum, so I’m doing what I can. These days, that takes the form of actually acknowledging the bad, instead of pretending like everything is good. It took far too long to realize this, despite the words placed in my ears by folks far smarter than myself (like Danica), but… I’m starting to get the hang of it. Just because you admit a thing is bad, doesn’t mean things can’t turn around… and the first step in that process, is identifying that thing as bad.

SOON

Lots to write about, hopefully about something other than the mess inside my brain. I really want to get talking about the Young Animal line of comics properly, and it’s been far too long since I wrote an article for Comics Beat. Also, there’s some prose fiction I want to get to.

Maybe if I say these things out loud, they’ll actually start happening.

We’ll see.

Might Be Okay

It’s May already, which means this Saturday is Free Comic Book Day over at Variant Edition. Normally, this makes for a pretty insane week by itself, but hey, that’s nothing a heck ton of water falling from the ceiling can’t help.

As you all might have heard, the shop experienced a minor flood this past Sunday, which has put us in a state of high level stress. You can read more about the particulars in our store newsletter, but suffice to say, we’re doing our best to put forward the best Free Comic Book Day event we can muster, and we would love to see you attend.

Other things that have been happening lately? Well, I took part in an upcoming episode of Bollywood Is For Lovers, which should be out in the next few days, and Danica will be recording an episode of In Defence Ofwhich will be out soon as well. We’re also going full steam ahead with Doctor Whooch, so you’ll see a new episode of that on Thursday. Anything else? Shouldn’t that be enough? Knowing me, I’ll add a few more logs onto the fire. Nothing says “easy going times” like running a comic shop and pumping out content, yes?

Now.

The real reason why I wanted to check in today – beyond the fact that I am committing myself to keeping Submet rolling with at least four posts a week – is the fact that… I had a pretty good day today.

You’ve all probably been checking in here and there, so you know that life has taken few swings at Danica and myself over the past few days. Or years. Whatever. But today? Even with everything, today felt… okay. Not great – I think I still had a couple of minor panic attacks when I let my brain too far off the leash – but it was still nice, for the most part. And I think “okay” is a good place to start, even with the bumps in the road.

Anyway, I wanted you all to know that.

Tomorrow: I’m posting the first prose I’ve written in two years up. It’s not good. It’s not refined. But it exists, and I’m trying to be more comfortable with my words so. Y’all get to see that. Be kind.

See you then.

Breathe

Another day is swiftly ticking to an end, and it looks like something has to give once more. I am committed to making sure words appear on this site, however, so welcome back to another garbage post.

You’re welcome.

01. Over the past few weeks, I’ve been having odd fits where it gets hard to breathe. These only tend to last for a few seconds, but can be prolonged depending on what caused the attack in the first place. I’m assuming this is what panic attacks are, so yay. Very lucky to have those in my life. Topics to avoid in order to prevent me from slight hyperventilation? Well, dying, mostly. Or anything having to do with experiencing loss. I have some things that I’m working on right now, and I’m not sure it’s going so hot. But maybe sharing this will help? I don’t know.

02. What I do know is that while aspects of my life have definitely shifted as of late, many other areas are shifting towards a bit of clarity. I’ve discovered that opening up my options has given myself a lot more breathing room. Allowing for thoughts of many paths instead of single paths has been freeing, and has helped with any anxiety that has crept in lately. Also breathing. Breathing is wonderful.

03. Something that really resonated with me this week? The Big Moose one shot from Archie Comics. 

This oversized comic featured three great stories about Moose Mason, one of which I think might be the most heartfelt story I’ve read all year. It’s the second story in this book, written by Ryan Cady with art by Thomas Pitilli and Glenn Whitmore, with Jack Morelli on letters. The story explores how Moose sees himself – a well meaning meathead of a teen, just trying to do his best with the abilities that he has. He always has the best of intentions, even if he lets his temper get the better of him sometimes. He also lends his big heart so easily that his friends will pretty much do whatever they can to help him out. It’s… it’s a really great story, and I implore all of you to try and give it a read. It definitely made me feel better about life in general, if even for a little while.

04. I don’t want the tenor of this update to alarm any of you. Life is… life is actually pretty good right now, but I’m trying to get better at admitting when things aren’t exactly perfect. Pretending doesn’t help and didn’t help. In fact, it gave the appearance that I didn’t care when things got rough. “Everything will be fine” is not always a great response, especially when a person just needs to hear “This is bad and I’m scared too” before you start trying to fix a thing. I’m learning, I hope. This is me reaching out, even just a little.

Thank you for reading. The next post will be this week’s edition of Doctor Whooch, which gets a little sexy. You’ve been warned.

Talk with you soon.

On The Docket

A quick update tonight – just putting some words out there to catch up on a few things that have been happening.

  • After last night’s Five Things post, I managed to stay awake long enough to re-read the first five issue of Mother Panic before I fell asleep. The last of the four initial launch titles in the Young Animal line at DC, Mother Panic seems to get lost in the shuffle when people are talking about those books. It’s a shame, because it definitely hangs well with the rest of the line. Lots to talk about, like how the book has a bi-sexual lead and deals with the idea of violence against women. Also, one of few comic titles out there where the female superhero gets to confront anger. Lots to dig into, but more on that another day, because…
  • Earlier today I was contacted by CBC Edmonton AM about appearing on tomorrow’s show at 7:50am. I’ll be on the show talking about Wednesday’s Capital Ideas event here in the city where I’ll be talking about offbeat marketing ideas alongside Mike Lundy of Flannel Foxes and Amy Nachtigall of Sugared & Spiced. Both events should get my imposter syndrome in a tizzy, so that’ll be fun. I’ll link to any media that comes out of this here as we try and keep Submet running at a gentle purr.
  • The media stuff has put a significant dent into tonight’s writing time, so look for some more substantial stuff later in the week. Until then, I highly suggest you check out Devin R. Bruce’s weekly pop culture column that he writes for us over at Variant Edition. Each and every article is chock full of great pop culture morsels, and this week, Devin is talking about a classic Sergio Aragones comic, a new release from a heavy metal band, and the second season of a Netflix show I have yet to watch. It’s all good stuff.

Thank you for checking in. I should be back here tomorrow with something with a bit more meat on the bone. Until then!

5 Things: Handsome Pictures Ahoy

Five Things is an occasional check in on what’s been and what might be. I refuse to set a regularity for it, because deadlines are for nerds and squares.

01. So it’s late on Sunday night and we had a long day at the store (more on that in a bit). I’m supposed to be writing, but instead I spent the night dicking around making the logo you’re seeing above. It’s okay. I’m not a professional graphic designer by any stretch of the imagination, but I’d like to think I’m not the worst. Anyway, I just went to show Danica what it looked like, and she’s already asleep because again, it’s late af. I need to get this update done. Hi there. How are you. Continue reading 5 Things: Handsome Pictures Ahoy

A Bargain

I have a compulsion to hurt myself. Not physically mind you, just… emotionally.

Do you have a voice inside your head that keeps telling you that you don’t deserve good things? That the bad that comes your way was earned through a general lack of skill and talent? In my travels, I’ve discovered that this voice lives inside many of us. It also tries to tell us how everyone around us has things so put together. Meanwhile, that person we see smiling about their life is nervously listening to their own voice.

You’re not good.

You were never good enough.

And so on.

It seems like these days, I’m desperately seeking balance. Like… I know that I’m not as bad as the voice in my head keeps telling me, but I also know that I’ve made mistakes… and that I will continue to make mistakes. I bargain with myself, trying to strike a balance between what I’m comfortable with believing, and what I want to believe. It’s… it’s a tough process. But it’s one that I’m also privileged enough to be able to sort out, on the good days. And I’m also lucky that there are quite a few good days.

I think…

I think that most of us spend a lot of time trying to find balance. Between the voices and our beliefs and the various forms of self worth we evaluate through out the day.

I think that maintaining that balance is hard, and that everyone is just trying to make their way through the day bargaining with themselves.

I think that was all do it and that we shouldn’t feel bad. Or at least not as bad as we think we should feel.

I think we should listen more to others, as they are usually better arbiters of worth than we are for ourselves. And I think we should be slower to dismiss what others seem to see in ourselves.

I think… I should listen to my own advice.

But then again, the voice in my head just told me this was all garbage so. Who am I gonna believe?

That’s the choice, isn’t it.

Hmm.

I Ran Away Last Week

I ran away last week

 

I began reading a book

 

I took a walk down to the lake

 

I tried not to think about the future

 

I annoyed some geese

 

I watched a lot of X-Files

 

I tried not to think about the present

 

I shot a man in Reno, just to watch him die

 

I bonded with a black cat

 

I tried not to miss my own cats

 

I finished the book

 

I tried not to think about the past

Nowhere In Particular

I’ve been spending a lot of time recalibrating lately. The world is always shifting, usually so slow we don’t notice the changes until suddenly, violently, we discover we’re not in the place where we want to be. It’s a slow, insidious creep followed by jarring clarity.

“How did I get here?” is a thought, followed swiftly by, “Where do I go from here?”

Well.

// HOW //

Inaction, pure and simple.

Last week, I wrote about the power of words, but I neglected to mention the power of inaction.

I pride myself on talking about taking action over merely using words. This is something that I seldom follow through on. At least in any meaningful way. I speak and I push, but I inevitably let fear lull myself into inaction – and as powerful as words can be, inaction can be even more powerful.

It’s through inaction that the world shifts around us, and it’s usually an action that finally jars us enough to realize we’ve become lost. As I start recalibrating, I do so with a purpose, with goals. Some of them are bound to hurt and all of them will come at some kind of cost, but if there’s some kind of purpose or action behind them, I should be able to shift along with the world rather than drifting away once again. Which brings us to…

// WHERE //

There’s a complicated answer to this.

If you had asked me a few weeks ago where I was going, I would point in a certain direction with the utmost clarity. Today, I am less sure, and if I’m being honest, that uncertainly is giving me calm.

A life can’t be lived with certainly. It just can’t.

A certain life is one that doesn’t give, that doesn’t bend. It asks a lot, and offers very little in return.

There are people in my life that I hold quite dear. There are people in my life that have been neglected in my quest for certainty. There was no give there, no space for their own plans to take root. And… well, if there’s no place for anything to take root, then nothing can grow.

So.

The where… the where I’ve decided doesn’t really matter so much as the who of it all. I want to collaborate, and not dictate, and I want to do so without asking for and taking so much. I want to give more and I want to be open to a broader spectrum of ideas and directions – a future of possibilities and not possibility.

It’s a new day. It’s a new week. It’s a new start, and the life that unspools before me… it’s grand, and it’s mysterious, and… it will be happy, and it will be sad. It will have moments of connection and dissolution. It can and will be interesting.

It will be for me. It will be for you. Whatever that means, and where ever that leaves us at the end… who knows.

Let’s go nowhere in particular together, and see where it gets us.

Talk with you again tomorrow.